Seek First the Kingdom

 

It’s been awhile since I’ve written anything down. That’s not to say that I haven’t had things to say or been through some stuff because–I have. It’s been a rough, tough, revealing last six months or so, but sometimes, when you’re still processing, it’s hard to put pen to paper (or fingertips to keys, whichever). It feels like what I assume is the reason that Taylor Swift’s TTPD is light on the Joe Allwyn-referencing-tunes. Perhaps it’s too painful and fresh to expose to the world just yet.

These events have uncovered snakes in the grass where I once felt safe. I’ve lost people who I once considered family. Have you ever been blindsided? Do you know what it feels like when people have made it clear that you’re not welcome or wanted, but instead of just saying that, people hide behind “constructive” criticism?  I’ve been left with a lot of self-doubt and questioning my place in a lot of situations and circumstances, only to finally come to a conclusion that other people’s opinions of me are their business, not mine. 

I say that like it came to me one night, quickly and I moved on. But that’s not true. There was a lot of pain and hurt. A lot of tears. Like…guttural sobs. A lot of snot, maybe. It consumed every corner of my life. With every interaction that followed, I considered my words carefully before speaking, and tried to take up as little space as possible. Already an introvert, I withdrew into myself in situations as to not offend, upset, or say or do anything that might feed into the false narrative. I was miserable. (I feel as though this blog post does not convey how painful, emotional, or consuming it was. It feels a lot like the movie version of New Moon where Bella is sitting in her chair staring out the window as the months pass since the Cullens left town. The book explains just how devastating it was and how empty she felt, but the movie just kind of glazes over it.) I will never forget how I felt, but I can’t let it control my emotions or my mood anymore. It's beyond time to move past this.

I’ve posted about this in a previous blog post, but I have long kept myself in situations that were uncomfortable or self-deprecating because I didn't realize I had another choice. I’ve stayed through enough drama and put myself through enough situations where I should have booked it out of there, but stayed put because it was comfortable, or I didn’t want to hurt someone’s feelings, or I was worried how it would look to other people. I look back now and ask myself, “Girl, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?” It's tough because I have raised my kids to follow through on their commitments. To show up and give it their all, if that’s what they said they were going to do. Unless it’s unsafe or toxic (IYKYK), they are to fulfill their end of the bargain. But beyond that? I’m 40 and still learning where the line is. How long do you stick to the comfort of what you know? It’s always easier to follow the status quo, to stay where you are. The unknown is scary. A new job, a new town, a new sport, a new team, a new church? Terrifying. But sometimes, there are other opportunities worth exploring. 

My prayer is for my kids to be braver than I am. If they want to tough out situations, I’m all for that. But if they want something else? I’m all for that, too. What’s important to me is that they know no matter where the decisions take them, they have their parents to support them. We may not always agree with their decisions, but we’ll be there anyway. I had to live that out a lot these past few months, but it was worth it. Bigger than mom and dad, they will always have someone to lean on: God.

Austin and I have talked about the Armor of God many, many times these past few years. And that’s something that may have been great for me to think about during the recent tough times that could have helped me to move forward faster (mental note for next time!).  In Ephesians 6:11, Paul writes “Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes.” I’ll be honest, I don’t know if all the recent “tough times” can be considered the “devil’s schemes,” but anything that fills your heart with anger and takes time away from living a Godly life I think could be considered close enough.

It’s been ugly–the distraction away from who I know I am inside and who God has called me to be. So that’s what’s led me to write this. It’s my closure piece (I accidentally typed “closure peace” the first time…but tbh, that fits, too). At church a few Sundays ago, Pastor Brad and the worship team lead us in “The Lord Will Provide.” The part that froze me was the beginning of the bridge: “So seek first the kingdom and its treasures. Everything else, it will be added.” Suffice to say, I have indeed NOT been seeking the kingdom first. That stops now.

I know this “piece/peace” will not magically fix everything. But I’m going to be intentional. Forgive those who haven’t asked, accept that God put me where I needed to be, and know that in the end, everything will be okay. I know this because no matter how many times I stray, how many times I forget who I am, He doesn’t forget. He’s there ready to welcome me home with open arms. Peace like I’m searching for doesn’t exist without Him. As Jesus told the disciples in John 14:27, “I am leaving you with a gift—peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid.” Seek first the kingdom, and its treasures, friends.