It’s been a tough year for relationships in the Swinehamer household. Through it, I’ve held out hope that our people are still surrounding us, and if not, they’re out there somewhere. Not just friends, but a village…a village of people with hope and grace for us imperfect people. Yesterday, I definitely did not experience the hope of Jesus. I did not experience grace. What I did experience was what felt like giving up on a child because they’re “hard.” I experienced the loss of my faith that my child will feel welcome, and the feeling that my child is a burden to others remains.
This isn’t the first issue we’ve had like this (see here), but since that initial situation, things have continued to make me feel as I stated above: a burden, unwelcome, difficult.
If my son doesn’t “belong” somewhere, then we as a family don’t belong there. I hate what this has done to me as a mom. As I typed this, in the office of the school where he has speech, the door opened and Aiden came running over to me. My first thought was, “Oh no, what did he do now?” I had lost track of time. His session was over. He did great. This experience has made me question the identity of my own child.Remember that ALL of us are made in God’s image…that we are ALL fearfully and wonderfully made. Not just the “normies.” Not just the kids who are easy. God made Aiden exactly who he is supposed to be and I refuse to give up on him, even if other people have.
We had a great morning today together. I felt like he needed extra loving on, and we did just that. Haircut, park, ice cream. Naptime. All fun and wonderful memories made. All good things come to an end, as they say, so it’s no surprise that our dog who is on medication peed in his kennel and then Aiden had peed on the couch during naptime. Frustrated that my good day was now soaked in urine, I cleaned up the mess. But when I decided to take a leap of faith and wash the couch cushion covers (washer safe? I don’t know….we’re about to find out), I found out that the actual foam cushions themselves…dry as a bone.
Got me thinking about how all of the hard things we’ve been through this last year has made us stronger and closer. Closer to each other and closer to God. I’m hurt with how things have panned out, definitely. But that's just the cloth exterior cover. My internal foam, it still burns for Jesus. I know our village is still out there. Bits and pieces of it still surround us, and if it takes us forever to find the rest of it, well, in the meantime, we have Jesus and each other. What more can you ask for? (Other than maybe no more pee-pee accidents).
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