If you know my mom even a little bit…or any Harvey-blooded woman at all, you know that we’re all a touch stubborn. We can power through most things, even the most painful. We don’t like to inconvenience people or spend money when it’s not necessary. So you guessed it, she didn’t want to go. I had to drop the most coveted of my possessions on her, one that I hadn’t dropped since I was like five or so, but one that usually worked (except when I was being dropped off at daycare…it didn’t seem to have any effect there). “If you love me, you’ll go to the hospital.”
As a parent, it’s like…really hard to deny that statement. Especially when deep down, even though you don’t want to do it, you know you probably should. And so she went.
But the updates were scarce. Even now, my oldest little sister has texted me with updates more than anyone else (which I appreciate so much because it means a lot to me that she thought to keep me in the loop when I’m 12 hours away). And I’ve talked to my mom very briefly on the phone yesterday, so I know now that she’s okay. But during the stretches of ghosting and silence, I’ve thought A LOT about what it will be like if something happens to her. And I told Austin today, unfortunately, it’s not IF, it’s just WHEN. I used to have a list growing up of people and animals that just weren’t allowed to die. So far, four of those people and animals have passed on, so I guess now’s as good a time as any to accept that my list doesn’t protect anyone. But here’s what I realized:
I have royally screwed up by assigning my mom as my best friend.
It’s okay though, because she did the same thing. But that’s why, I think, she’s had such a rough go since my Grandma passed away seven years ago. My Grandma was her go-to for everything. Ranting, venting, crying, advice, laughter…all of it. And though I try my absolute best to be a good stand in for her, I know it’s not the same. And I worry about her constantly because of this. She doesn’t have her “person” anymore (thanks Grey’s Anatomy). And I worry about what it might be like for me when I don’t have my “person” anymore.
I’ve seen small glimpses of it this weekend. Not being able to just check in, or call her on my way to Hobby Lobby or tell her about our 5k that we ran today. I picked up the phone to call her and realized that I couldn’t. She doesn’t have her phone, or maybe it’s dead, or maybe she’s just too drugged up to use it, I don’t know (and how would I? No one has checked in with me today to update me). I’ve sent her 11 unanswered texts, just waiting for her to be able to respond.
But I realize that one day, she won’t be able to and it really makes me tear up and I realize more than ever that she is my best friend. And I don’t know what I will do without her. So when I say, “if you love me, you’ll go to the hospital” it’s just as much for me as it is for her. My prayer is that she gets healthy and out of there and bounces back and lives indefinitely. I know that second part is not likely, but I’d like maybe…50 more years? I know once she gets out and reads that she’s going to be picturing Jamie Lee Curtis in Freaky Friday, “Ughhhh, I look like the Crypt Keeper!” I just hope she knows how much I love her and how much I need her around still. I might be almost 40, but she’s still my first call when something happens.
So yeah, I screwed up making my mom my best friend. But I have no regrets. Austin and I were talking about it in the car and he compared it to a relationship with a dog (sorry, Mom). He said, “It’s good while it lasts.” And he’s so right. Maybe I do need to get out there more, make more friends, rely on other people, but there’s no one who can compare with my best friend, so I’ll just try to remember what he said, “it’s good while it lasts.” And just hope and pray that it lasts a lot longer.
Love you, Mom.
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