As I let that thought permeate, that it seems impossible that it has been 19 years, especially when the emotions still seem fresh from time to time, I also realized that I would now be the parent of a high school graduate–class of 2023.
It’s interesting to me that something that I was absolutely in no way ready for, impacted my life so long term, but I guess that’s how it usually goes. The things that teach you your real priorities, the things that make you feel so deeply, those are the things that stick with you. That pregnancy wasn’t with me for very long, but in the time that I was growing life inside my body—well, that was enough time to fast forward myself from a sorority girl finishing up her sophomore year in college, to having to put someone else’s needs before my own.
Once the physical trauma of a miscarriage cleared my body, I didn’t realize how deeply rooted and long lasting the emotional trauma would be. Shortly following the loss, I was on a rollercoaster of trying to numb the pain to trying everything to actually feel something…and none of the choices I was making were responsible and the summer following is not a time in my life that I’m super proud of. But eventually, I leveled out…but the raw emotion was still there. The due date, the first mother’s day, every single baby shower I attended–it always was so tough.
Something I didn’t think about at the time was just how deep the emotional effects would be and how they would last forever. Sure, I realized very soon after that my number one goal in life was to become a mom and I wanted that more than anything in the world…but it wasn’t until I was pregnant with Austin that I realized miscarriage had tainted any optimism I had with pregnancy and I spent so many moments over analyzing every single twinge and pain, cramp…you name it…and I truly believed I would never bring a baby home.
Back to present day, though. As I rocked Aiden and I thought about how blessed I was with both of my living children…I also recognize that even though I only have two living kids…that first pregnancy was an absolute blessing, too. Even though the loss tainted part of my subsequent pregnancies, I think it also helped me to grow a deeper connection more quickly with them in utero. I knew first hand just how fragile pregnancy could be, I knew just how much I wanted to be their mother.
In my heart, I know that Taylor and Micah have been watching over me these last 19 years. Moms are supposed to watch over their kids, not the other way around. But I am forever grateful to them that they shaped part of who I am and that even though I never held them in my arms, they will always be a part of my story. On days like May 28th, and December 31st, I wonder who they would have turned out to be and I just hope that they're proud of who their Mama turned out to be, too.
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