SHOUTING THIS FROM THE ROOFTOPS: SKINNY AND BEAUTIFUL ARE NOT SYNONYMS

     For the what seems like 1000th time this morning, I logged onto Facebook as I do every morning, only to see one of my friends on my timeline tagged in another weight loss scheme. First of all, it sucks that people will hack into a profile and tag people just to scam them out of money, but my issue with this goes deeper than that. For me, it’s somewhat triggering.

    Now, I don’t like to use the word “triggering” or “triggered” because I feel like we should all have more self-control when it comes to social media, and we shouldn’t allow it to affect us negatively, but I’m also not naive and I know that even when we try to ignore it, sometimes, there are topics that bring up dark, ugly emotions and take us to places we’ve tried to leave behind. Well, weight loss is one of those topics for me.

    It doesn’t send me down a depression spiral, but it does take me to thoughts about how maybe this time could be different. I could learn to control myself better, I wouldn’t have to starve myself to see results quickly and I’d be okay just leaning into it and gradually, slowly, losing weight. But I know this story all too well, because I’ve done it time and time again. Quite frankly, my metabolism is holding up a big red stop sign and saying, “No ma’am, we’re done here.”

    The post in question that I’ve seen over and over lately shows a before and an after of a lady, with the wording something like this: “After only 20 days, my colleagues told me that I became beautiful. It's really great, it's more effective than exercising for an hour a day.” Okay, FULL STOP. First of all, I’m not really sure how appropriate it is for co-workers to go around commenting on how beautiful each other are. I suppose it depends on your work environment and how it is said to each other. But there’s that idea again that in order to be BEAUTIFUL, you have to BE THINNER. I don’t know where this came from, but for some reason, I have grown up subscribing to that nonsense, and it really has messed with my brain, my eating habits, the way I exercise, dress and definitely, 100% my body image.

    In the past, if you have known me, and known that I was dieting, what you probably didn’t know is that I was obsessed. There were good stretches of months where I would work off of a negative calorie intake. Especially when I was on night shift, because people couldn’t add it all up. But honestly, I wasn’t even really ashamed of it. It kind of felt like the less calories I could consume and the more calories I could burn from running was a badge of honor. Each comment about how great I looked and how much weight I lost, well, you may as well have put me on the top podium blasting some “Star Spangled Banner” and given me the gold because I. WAS. HERE. FOR. IT.

    It wasn’t until years later, probably right before I had Aiden, maybe just shy of the pandemic, that I realized how messed up I was. I was concerned about my weight in high school and in college, but because I was young, I was able to eat and drink mostly anything without too many consequences. But I distinctly remember around 2007 (age 23) that it became an issue for me. So don’t assume that eating disorders or body dysmorphia is just a phase that teenagers go through; I’m proof that it can be late-onset and follow you well into your almost-40’s.

    I don’t have a magic answer on how to fix this. I’ve just tried to learn to eat healthier, not to log my food intake and to run just for the sake of loving it (and for crushing timed goals). I’ve finally started to come around to accept my body for how it is. I still struggle with body dysmorphia. My favorite (wow, what a weird way to describe this) memory where I can clearly recall the first time I noticed this was when I was trying on a wedding dress. I had pretty well starved myself down to about 144 lbs and was still trying on size 16 dresses. Folks, it really depends on your body structure and how you’re built, but at that weight, I should have been trying on more around a 8 or so. I ended up buying a 14 and at my last fitting, the seamstress told me, “If you lose any more weight, I can not make this dress any smaller. So don’t.” And y’all, I was happy with that statement. That’s a red flag.

    I can’t make you happy with your body. I can’t help you relinquish control. For me, it was never about control. It was about being beautiful. And the crappy thing is, I don’t see that for other people. I have beautiful, really amazing friends, who rock plus size clothes and they’re gorgeous. And I see that on them. So why can’t I see that on me? I still struggle from day to day with all of it, but like I said, I’m in a better place now than I ever have been. Again, I don’t have the magic answer. But I’m writing this just to let you know that if you’ve been here before, or are here now, I get you.

I’m gonna say it once more for the people in the cheap seats (and those who, like me, sometimes need a reminder):

SKINNY DOES NOT EQUAL BEAUTIFUL (but yes, you can be skinny and beautiful). YOU CAN BE OVERWEIGHT, A HEALTHY SIZE, OR THIN AND BE BEAUTIFUL ALL THE SAME. YOUR WEIGHT DOES NOT DEFINE YOUR SELF-WORTH, NOR DOES THE AMOUNT OF CALORIES YOU INTAKE OR BURN OFF DAILY.