Thoughts on Peter

                Post-Easter, my church has been doing a series about conversations with Jesus.  This past week, the focus was on Jesus and Peter, and one of my favorite stories regarding the time surrounding Jesus’ crucifixion (wild, I know) came up as well.  Remember before Gethsemane and all that, where Jesus basically tells every one of his disciples that they’re basically gonna let him down and Peter says, “no way, no how, you can count on me” and then Jesus says something along the lines of “Boy, even you.  That rooster is gonna crow after you deny me thrice” (I’m obviously paraphrasing here).  Peter had all the confidence in the world that he was going to be able to back up Jesus and have his six regardless of whatever came his way.  We all know that Peter failed in that aspect in the end and Jesus was right (cause, well, He’s, JESUS so…).  But it really got me thinking.

                I was going to post about this subject in another way, regarding using struggle and circumstance to glorify God, but this conversation came up, so here we are.  And yes, I was taking notes during Sunday’s service.

                Earlier this year, through a chain of what seemed to be coincidental events (yeah, right), I ended up at the doctor.  Hadn’t planned to go, when I went, wasn’t planning on getting any exams or tests done, but it happened.  A week or so later, I got a call that indicated my test results were not great and that I needed to come in again for some more in-depth screening.  Apparently, this office and this doctor are more popular than the Starbucks drive-thru at 7:30 AM because the first available appointment wasn’t for over a month and a half.  For a month and a half, I Googled (don’t do this), self-researched, self-diagnosed, and lived with anxiety (hello, my anxiety has its own anxiety….and we’ll discuss that topic at a later date), until I let go and gave it to God.  I should have done that immediately, but if you know me, I like to hit worst-case scenario and work my way back.  Once the appointment finally came, the in-depth screening led to a biopsy of three samples.  Now, back in January, I didn’t think it could get any worse, but that two weeks between the sampling and the results.  Woah.  Time STOPPED.  But remember, I had given it to God.  And I really think I did.  I prayed every single night that if I had cancer, that He would help me to use it to glorify him in some way.  I prayed that I didn’t have it and everything would be okay, but that if it was His will, that I glorify Him.  Think Luke 22:42: “Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done (NLT).”  I’m not Jesus, and I’m not comparing myself to Him.  But that was the model I was trying to follow.  Like, if this is God’s plan, then I have to be okay with it

enough to use it for good.  I thought a lot about Tyler Trent and his struggle with cancer at such a young age and I remember because completely in awe as I read his book.  What an amazing man!  By the time the two weeks were up, I had really given it to God and continued to pray that whatever the outcome was, use me.

                But we’ll never know if I’m a Peter or not.  Thankfully, I don’t have cancer.  So I’ll never know if I would be strong enough to look myself in the mirror and choose to glorify God in such dire circumstances.  I know plenty of people who have, though.  I also know plenty of people who have had the unthinkable happen and their faith be shaken, even before I came to know Jesus myself.  But that’s what makes us human.  I do know that five years ago, if the same thing happened, I would have been cursing a God that I wasn’t even sure existed, but I’ve changed so much since then that even if we don’t know how I would have reacted if I had been given a different diagnosis, I know that I am speaking to Him every day.  There’s no way five years ago I would have been praying for God to use me for His glory regardless of the circumstance. I know that the same day I got the call that I was all clear, there were many women who did not get that same phone call.  So now, I pray for them.  My prayers are much, much different even this year than they were a year ago.