"Just" a stay-at-home mom.

It’s been a year since I quit working and started staying home in preparation of Aiden’s arrival. After working full time for so long, I wasn’t sure how I was going to adjust, but I knew that at the time, was it not just the only way financially that we were going to be able to make having two kids work for our family (hello, outrageous daycare costs/all local daycares at capacity), but it was something I wanted to do.

After a year of being the primary caretaker of an infant and being a full-blown Mom-taxi, this is what I have learned.

Every day looks different for me. Some days, the baby is an angel and we play together and I manage to get the things on my to-do list done. Other days, he’s clingy and wants me to hold him constantly and I’m at the door (actually on the porch, usually) ready to hand him off to David when he goes off-duty. I can’t count the times I’ve called him crying about what a horrible mother I am because something has gone off the rails here at home. 

What I do know is that I’m trying my best to balance it all. Sure, I don’t have a job outside of the home that I answer to, but y’all, taking full time care of a baby is exhausting. The laundry is never-ending. If you know me, you know that I am schedule-driven. My family knows that laundry days are Monday and Thursday, so you better have your dirties in the basket by then or you’ll be waiting a few days. I’ve found that works best for me, because then I get it all done at once instead of standing in the laundry closet every, single day. 

And the car line. Oh, man. I was always worried about what I was missing by not dropping off or picking up Austin from school. What I can tell you is that if you think you’re missing out on some in depth post-school conversation, you’re wrong. Every day, it’s the same thing. “What did you do at school today?” “Nothing.” BUT we do have a secret handshake that we do in the morning at drop-off, and he tells me random things about his classmates on the way home. I like being the last person he sees before school and the first person afterwards. I can help set the tone for his day and if he has a rough one, I’m there if he wants to tell me about it.

Somedays, I feel like my family could not go on without me. I’m Super Domestic Woman. Other days, I feel worthless. Not because anyone has made me feel that way, but because I’m “just” a stay-at-home mom. Sometimes, I do feel like I lost my identity. When the only conversation that I have through the day is sounds that are attempts at words, it can get lonely without adult contact. Some days, when David gets home, I’m all touched out. Please listen to me when I tell you this:  BEING TOUCHED OUT IS A REAL THING. I don’t feel like I contribute to the betterment of society. I earned two degrees and I don’t use either of them. I don’t contribute financially to my family. When I start feeling any of those above things, then I feel upset with myself because *I* chose to do this. I wanted to do it.

Then, I tell myself to shut up and have a coffee and reflect. No, I’m not paying bills, but we’re not paying for childcare. I’m available any time for either of the kids’ needs. I have the freedom to train for a marathon without worrying about my work schedule (which I’m going to do this fall). I have the ability to see all of the little moments with Aiden that will fly by so quickly. I get to volunteer for our church administratively. I get to write blogs, like this one, while Aiden crawls all over the floor looking for something else to get into that he shouldn’t be in. 

Some moms can’t afford to stay home, because their families need two incomes (or more) to get by. To those moms, I’m sorry. I’ve been that mom and it’s tough. You’re doing the best you can, when your heart is breaking because you just want to spend more time with your kiddos, but you’re doing what you need to, to ensure they’ve got everything they need, and mostly what they want, I’m sure. 

Some moms don’t want to stay home because they have careers that they’re proud of and love doing. If that’s you, then let me just say, I’m proud of you. You’re balancing the heck out of motherhood and being an asset to whoever you’re working for. And I’m over here cheering you on, loudly, so you can hear me over this episode of CocoMelon.

I’m the lucky mom that gets to stay home with the baby and play Mom-taxi for the older kid. From school to home to trombone to home to baseball, or whatever the day brings. I’m “just” a stay at home mom, but I’m thankful that I get to have this opportunity. One day, they’ll both be grown and won’t need childcare or a ride and I’ll miss these days. Even might miss the loads of laundry (I mean, probably not that aspect), but I’m going to enjoy this time for as long as I can.